god I can't WAIT to read it. the world needs your tiny tits!! just as the world needs my cellulite-covered thunder thighs, my asymmetrical little boobs, and all the other ugly-but-not-actually-ugly parts of me!! we ARE nature. we are of this world. there is nothing wrong with us.
I encourage you to embrace the nuance that you've discovered. If you discover a functional disruption of your facial skin, a spot that's not attractive to you, an eyelid that droops as you age find out what it will take to get those fixed. I think the danger exists when it becomes a sort of addictive process when a person is always trying to remain 22 years old. Stick to gentle procedures as needed. Your natural beauty will mix with any corrections you might choose. It's an a la carte menu. I think this approach can be applied to many developmental processes as a woman ages. You are beautiful!
“I want little girls to look at us and feel safe to age.” This, oh this, Erin! A little girl who’s not allowed to look old is not safe. Period. Even when she’s young.
But oh does the programming go deep! I mean, I didn’t care at all about the beauty industry my whole life—no makeup except for dress-up, etc. Then the 11 caught up with me. A lifetime of reading will do it, especially if your eyes develop any problems and you squint continually. I swear I watch the 11 sink deeper every few hours! And now it bothers me. Nothing like aging to show you exactly where you’ve been fooling yourself. Turns out I’m not so fond of wrinkles after all! 😳
But still wanting a safer world for all the girls coming after. So I’ll wear the wrinkles proudly. (I hope. Still working on this part.)
Thank you Erin. I have medical botox for chronic migraine and for the first year especially it creeped me out that I couldn’t properly frown. My husband also found it alarming that he could no longer read just how annoyed I was from a single glance, like your lady at the party. Now at 57, with increasingly silver hair, I notice my crepey neck and smooth forehead and think I look unbalanced, but that is mostly internalised misogynistic ageism. And honestly? I get a lot of positive comment a out looking young. Hooray for all the days and weeks of hideous pain that led me to government funded botox? Also I am a bit needle-phobic and I have allodynia so getting stabbed 30+ times every 13 weeks is an ongoing challenge.
I realised recently that have never looked with joy on a loved one’s face and thought it anything less than beautiful. It’s beautiful because it is their face, one I am grateful to see. Past 50, several beloved faces are no longer there to see.
Yes, this! Everyone I love is beautiful. I started thinking of our bodies and faces as the packages we're wrapped in--the means by which our loved ones recognize us.
I'm over 50 and feel the same. I have two teen daughters watching how I react to aging on top of it. My answer for right now: not yet. I would like to believe I am strong enough to accept my looks and love myself at every stage. So far, I'm holding off. But time will tell...
time will tell! there is no judgment. as much as i'd like it to be, I know that resisting botox/fillers/injections is not the path for everyone. and I also know that those same people are likely participating in their own methods of resistance. we all resist in the ways that matter most to us.
i'd love to hear more about your teen daughters—do they ever talk to you about aging and cosmetic procedures? are they clocking when their favorite singers/actors/influencers start looking particularly smooth and taught?
I have seen people whose faces have changed so dramatically that only their voices identified them. Is opting for filler the first step on the road to that ruin? I don't know. Is going for a facial? I don't think so. Just maybe, it's the intent behind having these procedures that is most telling. To your point, beautification is a massive industry. Much of it preys on people not being enough - young enough, pretty enough. If only they would opt for [fill in the blank], all will be perfect - until life inserts itself again and more treatments loom. Just maybe, part of being authentic in this arena is being honest with ourselves about why we do something. If it's to fill a hole of inadequacy, it begs a different path. What do you think? (And yes, you are beautiful exactly as you are!)
cathy, I ask myself these same questions about what is a step "too far" and what is acceptable. I think that's why this piece was so difficult to write. everything slips into gray, and I can only speak for myself when it comes to where to draw the line. but I echo your sentiment completely—that the attempt to embrace our authentic selves is not only a worthwhile one, but it starts with being honest with ourselves about why we're really doing something. I hear so many women say they are doing things to make themselves feel better and when questioned further end up saying they're actually doing it to 'fix' something they've been told is ugly. it leaves me wondering if the real 'fix' is being more discerning about the messages we're willing to internalize and those we're willing to resist.
Gray is one of my favorite places to be - I rarely see anything black or white. I fully agree with your thought about discernment. Barbra Streisand has shared the many judgments laid upon her nose by those who told her when she was starting out that she would never work unless it was "fixed." She made the decision that it was just find the way it was - and it has most certainly not held her back.
You decide what is authentic for you. Only you know that true answer and that is why you are feeling you can only speak for yourself. I feel troubled when I hear people mocked for not being authentic. Don't wear make-up. Don't color your hair. Don't [whatever else is on the list]. Is an 80-year old woman not authentic for dying her hair purple and green? (I've seen variations of this now and again.) Or is she living her inner joy? I'm thinking the latter.
I am 100% with you—YOU decide what’s authentic for you. I thought a lot about my trans friends while writing this and how their gender affirming care represents their authentic selves… and how in a less youth/beauty-obsessed culture they might be comfortable doing less of it and still feeling authentic. I feel like that’s a true line of thought for everyone—we’re all trying to figure out how much we’re willing to bend to societal pressures while meeting our individual needs for authenticity.
Since probably around middle school, I’ve had an extremely uncomfortable relationship with my face. Getting professional photos taken for my website over the years has made this worse, because I worry people will see me in person or on zoom and think, “wow, your face looks so much better in photos.” I’m not sure why I have this, but probably lots of reasons - and no doubt the culture I grew up in is one of them.
I am 100000% certain that your face in person and on zoom is more beautiful, more alive, more YOU than any photograph can capture. I grew up with a photographer for a dad, and I have a whole *thing* about how I compare my real, everyday face to how my face looks in well-lit and edited professional photos. I don't know the solution to it, but I just try to remind myself that the most stunning photographs of my clients, friends, and family don't ever compare to seeing them in person: their changing expressions, the flash of emotion in their eyes, how the light falls on their features as they talk, how their hair moves. and I just try to tell myself they feel the same.
So good. I agree with you totally about the patriarchy etc - and also identify with your sitting on a narrow fence that you’ve previously kind of fallen off. However strongly we applaud The Principle, how hard it is not to feel less and not want to fix it (too many nots there)?
For me there are two other cringy aspects. I don’t like the look of those plumped-out bits, especially lips. My daughter (30) and I differ completely on this. She applauds the Kardashian-type transformations. Generational?
#2, isn’t whatever chemically substance they use for filler wandering subcutaneously around the place? That sounds scary.
I love this so much! It really resonated with me when you said that girls need to look at us and feel safe getting older. And we need to see more of these qualities that Botox and fillers are getting rid of. I wrote a tongue in cheek piece about this here: https://open.substack.com/pub/karenflood/p/craggy?r=24uace&utm_medium=ios
It's so nice to have you back. Thanks for braving the big waves. Hope you found some floating on the other side.
And thank you for sharing. I am a middle aged white male, so I understand I am coming at this from a completely different perspective, but I wholeheartedly (BIG GIANT HEART) agree with these sentiments. Every time I see a male or female celebrity alter themselves, I think we have taken yet another step away from normality and contentment (we are so far away now I'm not even sure what is normal). My wife and I talk about this all the time, accepting that our bodies are changing and will continue to change and THAT IS OKAY. And I want my kids to feel okay about that too.
"Resistance. Maybe that’s what I’m after—maybe that’s the elusive principle I’m dragging around with me. I want us to resist."
it’s so nice to BE back, especially because of comments like this one 🖤 I love that you and your wife talk about this and support one another (and your kids) in feeling safe to age. it’s weird times out here! and even though I feel like this form of resistance isn’t required for everyone, I do always feel relieved and heartened watching movies and shows before 2010, which tells me something about myself. about how healthy it is for me to see people with their unique, moving, fully animated faces.
Radically accepting who we are and trying to not be judgmental of ourselves is the first step in resistong the glamor industry. It is built on a false narrative like the diamond industry.
As adults, if we can accept that we will get old, we are fine looking older and fatter and greyer, that we will die, then we will project to children through actions that they too can accept those things will happen.
And, radical acceptance is fucking hard, just like doing anything worthwhile. It's doused to get easier with practice, but they said that with writing and I'm not seeing it.
I have my own piece brewing about why the world needs my tiny tits. Don’t think I could ever do better than this. THANK YOU
god I can't WAIT to read it. the world needs your tiny tits!! just as the world needs my cellulite-covered thunder thighs, my asymmetrical little boobs, and all the other ugly-but-not-actually-ugly parts of me!! we ARE nature. we are of this world. there is nothing wrong with us.
As someone with tiny tits, who is also the only with tits so tiny that hasn't gotten a boob job, I also can't way to read! 😍
I want girls to look at us and feel safe aging. That line!!!
got a little teary just writing it <3
I’m annoyed for you that your doctor kept referring to your face, as his.
thank you for that, to this day I am also annoyed
I encourage you to embrace the nuance that you've discovered. If you discover a functional disruption of your facial skin, a spot that's not attractive to you, an eyelid that droops as you age find out what it will take to get those fixed. I think the danger exists when it becomes a sort of addictive process when a person is always trying to remain 22 years old. Stick to gentle procedures as needed. Your natural beauty will mix with any corrections you might choose. It's an a la carte menu. I think this approach can be applied to many developmental processes as a woman ages. You are beautiful!
Welcome back!! I’d talk to you with glee at any party.
Was thinking this exactly - my kind of party topic
“I want little girls to look at us and feel safe to age.” This, oh this, Erin! A little girl who’s not allowed to look old is not safe. Period. Even when she’s young.
But oh does the programming go deep! I mean, I didn’t care at all about the beauty industry my whole life—no makeup except for dress-up, etc. Then the 11 caught up with me. A lifetime of reading will do it, especially if your eyes develop any problems and you squint continually. I swear I watch the 11 sink deeper every few hours! And now it bothers me. Nothing like aging to show you exactly where you’ve been fooling yourself. Turns out I’m not so fond of wrinkles after all! 😳
But still wanting a safer world for all the girls coming after. So I’ll wear the wrinkles proudly. (I hope. Still working on this part.)
Loved these reflections, Erin.
you know what Maddie I believe you and that’s bc you’re a real one 🖤
Thank you Erin. I have medical botox for chronic migraine and for the first year especially it creeped me out that I couldn’t properly frown. My husband also found it alarming that he could no longer read just how annoyed I was from a single glance, like your lady at the party. Now at 57, with increasingly silver hair, I notice my crepey neck and smooth forehead and think I look unbalanced, but that is mostly internalised misogynistic ageism. And honestly? I get a lot of positive comment a out looking young. Hooray for all the days and weeks of hideous pain that led me to government funded botox? Also I am a bit needle-phobic and I have allodynia so getting stabbed 30+ times every 13 weeks is an ongoing challenge.
I realised recently that have never looked with joy on a loved one’s face and thought it anything less than beautiful. It’s beautiful because it is their face, one I am grateful to see. Past 50, several beloved faces are no longer there to see.
Yes, this! Everyone I love is beautiful. I started thinking of our bodies and faces as the packages we're wrapped in--the means by which our loved ones recognize us.
I'm over 50 and feel the same. I have two teen daughters watching how I react to aging on top of it. My answer for right now: not yet. I would like to believe I am strong enough to accept my looks and love myself at every stage. So far, I'm holding off. But time will tell...
time will tell! there is no judgment. as much as i'd like it to be, I know that resisting botox/fillers/injections is not the path for everyone. and I also know that those same people are likely participating in their own methods of resistance. we all resist in the ways that matter most to us.
i'd love to hear more about your teen daughters—do they ever talk to you about aging and cosmetic procedures? are they clocking when their favorite singers/actors/influencers start looking particularly smooth and taught?
I have seen people whose faces have changed so dramatically that only their voices identified them. Is opting for filler the first step on the road to that ruin? I don't know. Is going for a facial? I don't think so. Just maybe, it's the intent behind having these procedures that is most telling. To your point, beautification is a massive industry. Much of it preys on people not being enough - young enough, pretty enough. If only they would opt for [fill in the blank], all will be perfect - until life inserts itself again and more treatments loom. Just maybe, part of being authentic in this arena is being honest with ourselves about why we do something. If it's to fill a hole of inadequacy, it begs a different path. What do you think? (And yes, you are beautiful exactly as you are!)
cathy, I ask myself these same questions about what is a step "too far" and what is acceptable. I think that's why this piece was so difficult to write. everything slips into gray, and I can only speak for myself when it comes to where to draw the line. but I echo your sentiment completely—that the attempt to embrace our authentic selves is not only a worthwhile one, but it starts with being honest with ourselves about why we're really doing something. I hear so many women say they are doing things to make themselves feel better and when questioned further end up saying they're actually doing it to 'fix' something they've been told is ugly. it leaves me wondering if the real 'fix' is being more discerning about the messages we're willing to internalize and those we're willing to resist.
Gray is one of my favorite places to be - I rarely see anything black or white. I fully agree with your thought about discernment. Barbra Streisand has shared the many judgments laid upon her nose by those who told her when she was starting out that she would never work unless it was "fixed." She made the decision that it was just find the way it was - and it has most certainly not held her back.
You decide what is authentic for you. Only you know that true answer and that is why you are feeling you can only speak for yourself. I feel troubled when I hear people mocked for not being authentic. Don't wear make-up. Don't color your hair. Don't [whatever else is on the list]. Is an 80-year old woman not authentic for dying her hair purple and green? (I've seen variations of this now and again.) Or is she living her inner joy? I'm thinking the latter.
I am 100% with you—YOU decide what’s authentic for you. I thought a lot about my trans friends while writing this and how their gender affirming care represents their authentic selves… and how in a less youth/beauty-obsessed culture they might be comfortable doing less of it and still feeling authentic. I feel like that’s a true line of thought for everyone—we’re all trying to figure out how much we’re willing to bend to societal pressures while meeting our individual needs for authenticity.
Well, that's one way to come back from a break! Jesus Christ, Erin! BRAVO!!!
eeee thank you katrina you are TOO kind. I love you being here so much.
I love this so much, Erin.
Since probably around middle school, I’ve had an extremely uncomfortable relationship with my face. Getting professional photos taken for my website over the years has made this worse, because I worry people will see me in person or on zoom and think, “wow, your face looks so much better in photos.” I’m not sure why I have this, but probably lots of reasons - and no doubt the culture I grew up in is one of them.
I am 100000% certain that your face in person and on zoom is more beautiful, more alive, more YOU than any photograph can capture. I grew up with a photographer for a dad, and I have a whole *thing* about how I compare my real, everyday face to how my face looks in well-lit and edited professional photos. I don't know the solution to it, but I just try to remind myself that the most stunning photographs of my clients, friends, and family don't ever compare to seeing them in person: their changing expressions, the flash of emotion in their eyes, how the light falls on their features as they talk, how their hair moves. and I just try to tell myself they feel the same.
I LOOVED this! Here to resist with you all the way, sister! ✨
I also just wrote a post about diet culture and how I am resisting the beauty industry by how I choose to think about food. I think you might like it:
https://torealitywithlove.substack.com/p/when-did-we-normalize-disordered
So good. I agree with you totally about the patriarchy etc - and also identify with your sitting on a narrow fence that you’ve previously kind of fallen off. However strongly we applaud The Principle, how hard it is not to feel less and not want to fix it (too many nots there)?
For me there are two other cringy aspects. I don’t like the look of those plumped-out bits, especially lips. My daughter (30) and I differ completely on this. She applauds the Kardashian-type transformations. Generational?
#2, isn’t whatever chemically substance they use for filler wandering subcutaneously around the place? That sounds scary.
Hell yes 🙌🏼 welcome back Erin. Coming in with a tearful BANGER. I’ll be sitting with this one for a while.
I love this so much! It really resonated with me when you said that girls need to look at us and feel safe getting older. And we need to see more of these qualities that Botox and fillers are getting rid of. I wrote a tongue in cheek piece about this here: https://open.substack.com/pub/karenflood/p/craggy?r=24uace&utm_medium=ios
It's so nice to have you back. Thanks for braving the big waves. Hope you found some floating on the other side.
And thank you for sharing. I am a middle aged white male, so I understand I am coming at this from a completely different perspective, but I wholeheartedly (BIG GIANT HEART) agree with these sentiments. Every time I see a male or female celebrity alter themselves, I think we have taken yet another step away from normality and contentment (we are so far away now I'm not even sure what is normal). My wife and I talk about this all the time, accepting that our bodies are changing and will continue to change and THAT IS OKAY. And I want my kids to feel okay about that too.
"Resistance. Maybe that’s what I’m after—maybe that’s the elusive principle I’m dragging around with me. I want us to resist."
Amen.
it’s so nice to BE back, especially because of comments like this one 🖤 I love that you and your wife talk about this and support one another (and your kids) in feeling safe to age. it’s weird times out here! and even though I feel like this form of resistance isn’t required for everyone, I do always feel relieved and heartened watching movies and shows before 2010, which tells me something about myself. about how healthy it is for me to see people with their unique, moving, fully animated faces.
Great, thought provoking piece as usual.
I think you nailed it with radical acceptance.
Radically accepting who we are and trying to not be judgmental of ourselves is the first step in resistong the glamor industry. It is built on a false narrative like the diamond industry.
As adults, if we can accept that we will get old, we are fine looking older and fatter and greyer, that we will die, then we will project to children through actions that they too can accept those things will happen.
And, radical acceptance is fucking hard, just like doing anything worthwhile. It's doused to get easier with practice, but they said that with writing and I'm not seeing it.
Should not have written this on my phone. I guess I have to accept the grammatical errors.