Omg I love attention too, and for some reason often feel guilty and silly for that??? Like what? Thanks for normalizing this basic human need and sharing your life, you're healing the world one article at a time.
love the way this came together i could honestly restack so many sentences. if people read this essay and don't comment on it they should go to jail
i am the same where i can easily hermit myself away but then i start to go insane if nobody actually chases me up. i think i am bad at giving other people attention when i am away from them (like via phone, text, etc) but when I am in front of someone i love to watch and listen. i show up early for meetings and calls and could never 'squeeze someone in' my diary, i always have to have enough time blocked off for them. i remember a friend of mine who is a coach said that when someone is talking, "pretend they are the main character of an indie movie" and i love doing that and i wonder if they notice that i am looking at them different. people deserve your full attention and i hate when phones are left on tables, or just within arms reach when i'm meeting someone for dinner or coffee.
straight to jail! I am so happy i'm not the only hermit who ends up resenting hermiting. I am similarly bad at giving people attention who aren't near me, I have a very 'out of sight out of mind' brain. but I love how you describe showing up for people IRL, it actually made me a little teary. I couldn't agree with everything you said more. powerful stuff!
Beautiful, and I am sure you know this. And at the same time, I hope you know this before this piece got attention, before it did, despite whether or not it would get attention. (It obviously did bc it appeared in my Substack reads email). To answer your question, I have tried all the ways too, from standing out fiercely to crying in the corner pathetically. And none have ever left me with a satisfying sensation of pure attention. I was either cheerleading my way to it, soliciting like a prostitute, or begging like a starving stray. So I tried something different. I began to offer attention. And amazingly when I do, whether it is to myself or another, attention is generously returned to me. Thank you for laying it out raw. Loved it. Glad Substack gave it enough attention for it to find me. 💕
"I was either cheerleading my way to it, soliciting like a prostitute, or begging like a starving stray." you and me both, gf. and I love what you wrote - there's so much to be said for putting out what you want to receive! and also for surrounding yourself with people whose nature it is to give freely and generously. I think for a long time I attached myself to stingy people, so it didn't matter how much I gave. I am relieved to find myself with far more reciprocity these days. anyway, thank you enormously for being here and sharing your beautiful thoughts and perspective.
Stingy people, maybe just other hurting souls desperately seeking attention. It can help us grow compassion. But attention: compassion and giving mindful, loving attention is different from being always there bc you need to people please. This is also insecurity. In the end, it always circles back to creating the same healthy base of self-love. Self-love first. When we truly love ourselves, we instinctively give and receive attention for healthy reasons in a balanced, healthy way. Have a beautifu, lovingl day! xo
So real and relatable. I just took the enneagram personality test and in my results (unsurprising to me) I was reminded that my desire to be a “peacemaker,” to make everyone around me comfortable, is often at the detriment of my own needs and desires. I clearly need it drilled into my head that it’s OK to ask for what I need. Despite constantly sabotaging myself by acting like I’m cool and self sufficient, I would just love some fucking attention.
God this harkens back to a quote you’ve no doubt heard before from Maya Angelou: “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” When someone gives you that full attention, void of any judgment, it’s the most pure & beautiful feeling in the whole world. 💛 loved this, thank you thank you thank you!
Another mum here who will be more thoughtful with how much I’m attention I’m giving my kids when I too am rushing and multitasking and saying, “I’ll be right back” to them. Thanks for this!
Also I might just go to my husband and ask him, “do I look pretty?” 😍 For me, the attention I want is to be actively listened to, and for my preferences/wants/needs/fears to be remembered and sometimes acted upon! For some follow up to happen. I have a friend who isn’t the greatest of friends in many ways, but she always remembers everything about what I’ve said, when things that are important to me are happening, and will check in with me about them. And that alone makes her an excellent friend that I appreciate so much!
I resonate with this deeply! The memory you share about learning to shave your legs with your mom, and how it descends into loneliness.
This sparked a memory in me from an ex-lover. I had driven down for the weekend to his place for a romantic getaway (without the romance, as you very astutely pointed out) and after the first night sleeping next to him, he declared that my feet were to scaly and scratchy. On Saturday, he literally left me in the bathroom for two hours with a foot buffer to fix my feet so they were acceptable to him. Two hours. As you can imagine, the relationship didn't survive the weekend.
(I dub him "mr. no fucks given" since he was completely uninvested in female orgasm. Byeeeee)
wowww i'm so happy to hear he didn't last the weekend! what bizarre, controlling behavior. if only he'd booked you two a relaxing pedicure and kept his mouth shut instead. from one scratchy-heeled woman to another, thanks for being here <3
Truly though! There were enough red flags to know that this was the last one. What an excellent point! He could have sent me to the spa and made it cute and sweet instead of punishing and controlling. Scratchy-heeled women unite!
elaine, I mean this with all the love in my heart—your mom sounds like she sucks. (jokes, but kinda not.) I hope wherever you are now, whoever you're with is paying extra attention to you today. I hope they are saying things like, "elaine you look positively bewitching in that sweater," and "elaine you are so refreshingly funny have you thought about auditioning for SNL" and "elaine how loving and generous you are; I am made better just by knowing you."
Every version of myself thanks you for writing this. And, honestly -So does my 11 year old daughter. Because I will be much slower with her today. Unhurried attention. Gah, it is everything.
Omg I love attention too, and for some reason often feel guilty and silly for that??? Like what? Thanks for normalizing this basic human need and sharing your life, you're healing the world one article at a time.
basic human need, exactly! may we all receive the loving attention we crave, from ourselves and others alike.
love the way this came together i could honestly restack so many sentences. if people read this essay and don't comment on it they should go to jail
i am the same where i can easily hermit myself away but then i start to go insane if nobody actually chases me up. i think i am bad at giving other people attention when i am away from them (like via phone, text, etc) but when I am in front of someone i love to watch and listen. i show up early for meetings and calls and could never 'squeeze someone in' my diary, i always have to have enough time blocked off for them. i remember a friend of mine who is a coach said that when someone is talking, "pretend they are the main character of an indie movie" and i love doing that and i wonder if they notice that i am looking at them different. people deserve your full attention and i hate when phones are left on tables, or just within arms reach when i'm meeting someone for dinner or coffee.
straight to jail! I am so happy i'm not the only hermit who ends up resenting hermiting. I am similarly bad at giving people attention who aren't near me, I have a very 'out of sight out of mind' brain. but I love how you describe showing up for people IRL, it actually made me a little teary. I couldn't agree with everything you said more. powerful stuff!
This is beautiful. Thank you for writing it. I have two daughters who will be getting extra undivided attention from me today. x
I did not expect moms here to say this and I am so, so touched. you're doing great, and i'm sure your daughters love some bonus attention <3
Beautiful, and I am sure you know this. And at the same time, I hope you know this before this piece got attention, before it did, despite whether or not it would get attention. (It obviously did bc it appeared in my Substack reads email). To answer your question, I have tried all the ways too, from standing out fiercely to crying in the corner pathetically. And none have ever left me with a satisfying sensation of pure attention. I was either cheerleading my way to it, soliciting like a prostitute, or begging like a starving stray. So I tried something different. I began to offer attention. And amazingly when I do, whether it is to myself or another, attention is generously returned to me. Thank you for laying it out raw. Loved it. Glad Substack gave it enough attention for it to find me. 💕
"I was either cheerleading my way to it, soliciting like a prostitute, or begging like a starving stray." you and me both, gf. and I love what you wrote - there's so much to be said for putting out what you want to receive! and also for surrounding yourself with people whose nature it is to give freely and generously. I think for a long time I attached myself to stingy people, so it didn't matter how much I gave. I am relieved to find myself with far more reciprocity these days. anyway, thank you enormously for being here and sharing your beautiful thoughts and perspective.
Stingy people, maybe just other hurting souls desperately seeking attention. It can help us grow compassion. But attention: compassion and giving mindful, loving attention is different from being always there bc you need to people please. This is also insecurity. In the end, it always circles back to creating the same healthy base of self-love. Self-love first. When we truly love ourselves, we instinctively give and receive attention for healthy reasons in a balanced, healthy way. Have a beautifu, lovingl day! xo
Thank you for the reminder to give my daughter what she wants, while what she wants is still so elemental and pure and I have so much of it to give.
And to let people talk sometimes and just listen, no responses beyond “uh-huh” and the occasional “why do you think that is?”
We all want the same things, but rarely do we express them so eloquently.
So real and relatable. I just took the enneagram personality test and in my results (unsurprising to me) I was reminded that my desire to be a “peacemaker,” to make everyone around me comfortable, is often at the detriment of my own needs and desires. I clearly need it drilled into my head that it’s OK to ask for what I need. Despite constantly sabotaging myself by acting like I’m cool and self sufficient, I would just love some fucking attention.
God this harkens back to a quote you’ve no doubt heard before from Maya Angelou: “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” When someone gives you that full attention, void of any judgment, it’s the most pure & beautiful feeling in the whole world. 💛 loved this, thank you thank you thank you!
Another mum here who will be more thoughtful with how much I’m attention I’m giving my kids when I too am rushing and multitasking and saying, “I’ll be right back” to them. Thanks for this!
Also I might just go to my husband and ask him, “do I look pretty?” 😍 For me, the attention I want is to be actively listened to, and for my preferences/wants/needs/fears to be remembered and sometimes acted upon! For some follow up to happen. I have a friend who isn’t the greatest of friends in many ways, but she always remembers everything about what I’ve said, when things that are important to me are happening, and will check in with me about them. And that alone makes her an excellent friend that I appreciate so much!
I resonate with this deeply! The memory you share about learning to shave your legs with your mom, and how it descends into loneliness.
This sparked a memory in me from an ex-lover. I had driven down for the weekend to his place for a romantic getaway (without the romance, as you very astutely pointed out) and after the first night sleeping next to him, he declared that my feet were to scaly and scratchy. On Saturday, he literally left me in the bathroom for two hours with a foot buffer to fix my feet so they were acceptable to him. Two hours. As you can imagine, the relationship didn't survive the weekend.
(I dub him "mr. no fucks given" since he was completely uninvested in female orgasm. Byeeeee)
wowww i'm so happy to hear he didn't last the weekend! what bizarre, controlling behavior. if only he'd booked you two a relaxing pedicure and kept his mouth shut instead. from one scratchy-heeled woman to another, thanks for being here <3
Truly though! There were enough red flags to know that this was the last one. What an excellent point! He could have sent me to the spa and made it cute and sweet instead of punishing and controlling. Scratchy-heeled women unite!
"...how my excitement quickly curdled into lonely resignation, how what I’d wanted more than shaved legs was my mom’s undivided attention."
I told my mother I wanted a pedicure for my birthday.
She paid and dropped me off at the most sterile place possible.
Meanwhile, I had pictured us in side-by-side massage chairs sipping tea or wine.
*sigh*
But she was never that person.
"I'm getting married," I told her over the phone."
She didn't say congratulations. She said, "Fine, I'll pay for it as long as I don't have to be involved in planning it."
I hadn't even asked for money. But I took it as an empty consolation prize.
elaine, I mean this with all the love in my heart—your mom sounds like she sucks. (jokes, but kinda not.) I hope wherever you are now, whoever you're with is paying extra attention to you today. I hope they are saying things like, "elaine you look positively bewitching in that sweater," and "elaine you are so refreshingly funny have you thought about auditioning for SNL" and "elaine how loving and generous you are; I am made better just by knowing you."
Aww, what an awesome comment - thank you ❤️
I look forward to reading more of your posts. Have a lovely day.
I so resonate with this! Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone! And that I'm not flawed! ❤️
Erin. You had me the whole time, because I know the feeling all too well. Thank you for writing this and for sharing it with the world.
thank you for being here, kaitlyn <3 appreciate you so much.
Likewise, Erin 🫶
Every version of myself thanks you for writing this. And, honestly -So does my 11 year old daughter. Because I will be much slower with her today. Unhurried attention. Gah, it is everything.
I'm sorry but you offer advice on newslettering as well? I feel I found gold! Golden gurl! Thank you
I sure do! erinshetron.com 🖤🖤🖤
That's exactly what I want to see! No judgement of weight or eating what makes you cringe. Feed me and tell me I'm pretty? Damn Skippy!👏👏😂
Love is sustained attention. The only thing we are born able to do is ask for it.