oops I fell into a void(ance)

🥲crying/😵‍💫numbing/💥sparking #12

Jun 25, 2025

I don’t know when it started exactly.

There was my dog’s dental surgery. She’s 12 and her lip swelled up and I soaked her kibble to mush and the meds made her barf a lot.

A letter came in the mail from the IRS about late charges I thought I already paid.

My BSF’s depression deepened and he started having suicidal ideation.

Another bill showed up; the transvaginal ultrasound I thought was covered by my expensive health insurance was, apparently, not.

Insert any news headline from the last month. That also happened.

But hey at least my work was going well. At least I treated myself to a facial. No seriously I even went to therapy. And look Glen started jogging again and taking new meds. Seriously we even talked. Came up with plans.

Which is to say that I noticed it, but I was still keeping things together. Real convincing like. Real sneaky like.

And it was harmless! I needed the fuckin break, alright? I needed the funny impression videos and the inspirational storytime videos and the hopeful videos about foster dogs. I wasn’t numbing out, dammit, I was feeling something. I was laughing and scrolling and crying and scrolling and then I’d put my phone down and pick it up again and then I’d lose an hour and then I’d lose two and then my neck started feeling painfully stiff in the mornings and then I couldn’t edit an essay without taking breaks to check email and then people—real people right in front of me—would be talking to me and I’d be saying “m hm” while my hand would be picking up my phone and my gaze would be falling to the screen which was now lit up with my inbox or Instagram or Substack or text messages or whatever might show me something new.

That literally just happened. I just got back from a hair appointment and that’s what I did while my hairstylist was talking to me. That’s how bad it’s gotten.

It’s not just the dopamine hits and the endless scroll and the screen addiction. I mean, that stuff is happening. Clearly.

But mostly it’s the fucking avoidance. I don’t know about you, but for me, all it takes is one unexpected bill, one uncomfortable phone call I don’t want to make, one unsolvable stressor, and suddenly I’ve spent entire weeks using my phone and TV and romantasy books to just… disappear. If the antidote to avoidance is accountability, I’ve taken fuck all.

Actually, I don’t know if that’s totally true. That’s the sneaky part. I think what’s happening is that I’ve been taking juuuuust enough accountability to give the illusion that I’m not in a full-blown state of avoidance. I’ve been replying to texts and showing up to work and attending social gatherings and loading the dishwasher, that kind of thing. But all the other stuff? All the stuff that truly, desperately needs doing? I’m not exaggerating when I say I could have a full blown panic attack just thinking about how big that list is.

God I wish I had the essay about principles, under-thinking, and Botox ready for you. It is so much better than whatever this is. I think you’ll like it if I ever sit down to finish it. Unfortunately, I think it’ll take paying the bills and making the phone calls and sitting with the enormous feelings of helplessness to get to a place where I can write it.

Does anyone else’s brain work like that? One snag and everything else unravels. And nothing can come back together until that snag gets sutured, tied, and cut.

But just like Matthew McConaughey and the horse girlies reading this, this isn’t my first rodeo. I know what to do.

my steps for getting unstuck and unnumb:

Make a list of everything I’m avoiding. Scary! But also sorta exciting, in a sickening way? Like ooo what else haven’t I done yet oh yeah write my birthday party thank-yous from OVER A MONTH AGO.
Break down each item into small, doable steps. Blood pressure starts to come down.
Schedule time each day to execute on the steps. Bonus points for getting body doubling help.
Delete scrolling apps. Limit TV time.
Write my dumb little newsletter. Hang out with my dumb little friends. Go on more dumb little walks. Write in my dumb little journal. Have a dumb little shower cry.

criers I need u 👇🏻

If you happen to be in the middle of an avoidance/numbing spree and feel ready to snap out of it, here we fuckin go! What’s on your list? Tell me and we can be accountability buddies.

If you are prone to avoidance/numbing sprees but are currently accessing your emotions, limiting screen time, and generally handling your business, um, how are you doing that? All ideas welcome, especially the weird ones.

🥲 THINGS THAT MADE ME CRY:

when i’m in full-blown avoidance mode I don’t cry very much. but sometimes, as a little treat, i’ve been crying about BSF’s depression.

😵‍💫 WAYS I’VE BEEN NUMBING OUT:

all the IG scrolling. that docuseries about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. And Just Like That, which continues to be truly terrible but somehow addictive. The Lady's Companion, which is like if a hallucination turned into a soapy Spanish reality. oh, and Hunter and I did this puzzle.

💥 WHAT’S SPARKING ME UP:

my evil genius plan to color my hair pink again. (do I need pink hair? no. will it make everything better? honestly, probably.) putting my legs up the wall every night for 10 minutes while I do a sudoku puzzle. discovering and becoming addicted to this “Sparkling Rosé Tea Beverage” from trader joe’s. attending tonight’s new moon workshop with

Kaitlyn Ramsay

this early 2000s dress I found at a vintage shop:

this Sister, Sister hat I found but didn’t buy (a mistake? y/n):

this song:

and finally: client work. boring, I know, but true. very cool of Past Me to accidentally fall into a job that sparks me up so much, even when other parts of life feel scary.

🖤 A BRIEF REINTRODUCTION (FOR THE NEWBS)

I am…

A Substack “Whisperer” + Producer, helping writers and entrepreneurs with sustainable readership growth, creative content strategy, and authentic brand building.
An Editor for creative nonfiction, poetry, and opinion writers.
A Potty-mouthed Writer and Crier, exploring human feeling and human numbness here at Frequent Criers Club.

You are…

🦄 In need of newsletter, writing, or strategy coaching that’s highly practical and a ~~little~~ lot magical? Peep the services on my new website.

☎️ Curious about booking a 30-minute discovery call to gab, gossip, and giggle? Contact me here.

📊 Looking for sound strategy advice but overwhelmed by all the “growth hack” listicles? Read my latest piece in The Author Stack.