Erin, just this week, I have been asking ChatGPT to tell me new ways to help me stop using my phone all the time. And she has & it's helped (yes, it's a she & her name is Annie. I like her). What am I avoiding? Life. Parenting adult kids with mental health issues that become drug addictions is hard. Parenting neurodivergent kids is hard. Keeping my 25-year-old marriage while navigating perimenopause & an ASD tween going through puberty is NOT FUN AT ALL. You know what's fun until it's not? Numbing out by eating too many sugary snacks while watching F1 reels. That &playing block games on my phone has been my go-to avoiding/numbing strategy for months now, but this week I decided I was sick of myself, hence the chat with Annie.
sounds like we got sick of ourselves around the same time <3 glad i'm in such good company. we got this! if you're open to it, i'd love to know which suggestions have been the most helpful in using your phone less.
My phone goes greyscale from 830pm to 630am, Monday to Friday morning, the same time I have do not disturb scheduled. This stops me from scrolling in bed.
From 7pm Friday night to 9am Monday, my phone is on greyscale all the time. The lack of colour really helps me find everything on my phone less appealing.
All my social apps now have plain grey icons, & if I click on them, I have a 60-second wait & then it asks "Do you really want to spend your time here" before I can open the app. I usually abandon my phone before the 60 seconds are up.
And I have a banner at the bottom of my phone where I have to swipe it up to unlock it that says "be where your feet are", just to remind me that my life isn't in my phone.
I am not trying to stop using my phone altogether, I'm just trying to be more intentional when I use it & to stop it from being my default any time I don't want to sit with myself.
whoaaa the 60-second wait time on the social apps and banner to unlock your phone both feel like game changers! thank you for sharing! gonna try these <3
Urgh yes always numbing out. Also had pet health issues and unexpected bills which have turned into a spiral and a new found obsession with romantasy books. Easier said to others than to take the advice myself but...allow yourself some grace and don't beat yourself up about the avoidance. Sounds like there's a lot going on and it's a normal coping mechanism!
For me I need to - stop spending money I don't have and get my finances back on track next month, get back into a (gentler) exercise routine (burned out and iron deficient after some over training) and do some of the DIY projects I have on my list (there's just a load of timber lying in my living room for weeks because I need to pick up the courage to use my power tools and I just keep putting it off).
getting finances in order and getting back into regular, gentle exercise are on my list, too! I don't have a pile of timber in my living room but lemme tell you, sometimes it reeaaallly feels like I do. (if the timber was all the things i'm avoiding, you get it.) I hope your pet is alright now and you at least enjoyed your latest romantasy book binge! I am just finishing the Trial of the Sun Queen series, what are you reading??
I can't wait to see your pink hair!! And omg the sister, sister hat?! That show got me through so much 😭 I forgot about it till now.
AND I think I'm way behind the times because I just realised "and just like that" is a thing and binged the first season over the past week (if I'm being real real, the past few days).
In all seriousness, I feel you on the avoidance though. Life has been a lot lately and sometimes avoidance is the only thing I can do. Luckily my moving deadline is set for next week so I can't completely fall off the edge of the earth like I'd sometimes like to, but hey.
It was nice to see you at the workshop 🥹 thank you for joining, and for the shout-out here!
I did it, I colored my hair PINK! i'll include a photo in the next newsletter <3 also i'm so happy there's at least one other sister, sister fan in room. love that show. I can't believe I don't know this, but where are you moving?? I know you've mentioned chiang mai, but is that a stop along your way or the final (for now) destination? wishing you all the luck and ease in your move. they are brutal but that first morning you wake up in your new place... can't beat it.
also I could write a whole essay and make myself cry about how lovely and helpful your workshop this week was, but I am still slowly dusting off the cobwebs of my total brain-body-spirit shutdown and frankly don't have the energy for it BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW it was incredibly poignant, spot-on, spiritually supportive, and helped me make a big life shift I didn't know I needed. truly, I loved it. thank you.
I'm tempted to rewatch sister, sister since having this convo... I wonder if it's still just as good, maybe better?!
I'm going to give myself at least 6 months in Chiang Mai to see how it feels before seeing what could be next. I'll be about 25 mins outside of the city—quiet, and close enough to cool things. We shall see how it goes. I appreciate the well wishes!! I'm suuuuuper excited for that first morning 🥹 I'm gonna soak it up extra good since you said that.
Also, you're going to make me cry about how grateful I am to have you join the workshop and for your kind words about how supportive it was for you 😭😭😭 thank you for this. I'm so glad it was helpful in such a big way!!!
I feel you, Erin! I have a v important tax filing task that requires printing nearly 100 pages, writing "offshore filing" or something like that (I’m probably remembering it wrong) in a red pen on some of those pages, signing other pages in blue or black, and finding a DHL store or similar to mail from Thailand. It’s not that big a deal... but somehow has felt monumental all week. All the more so when my only remaining bank card that hadn’t been hacked yet was hacked yesterday... leading me down a rabbit hole of changing every online pw I’ve ever used and closing all kinds of online accounts for good. ANYWAY.
I bought a new, extra-fine Japanese pen and notebook at the Japanese department store at the mall and wrote out a daily chart, with things I wanted to do instead of spending time on Notes anytime I caught myself scrolling there (which generally leaves me feeling like shit). My handwritten chart includes three things: practicing Thai, reading nonfiction books, practicing yoga. So far, it’s working! I’m spending less time on Notes (and online generally) than I have in months. And, no surprise, I’m feeling happier and more present. Now for the tax task...
that tax filing task makes my stomach hurt just reading about it (literally) and ANOTHER BANK CARD WAS HACKED?! jesus. that is exactly the kind of thing that would send me into a full blown avoidance-fueled shutdown. although I have to say, I love your chart idea, especially the part about buying an extra-fine Japanese pen. I use a muji to do my sudoku every night and it's *chef's kiss*. also! i'm about to finish the final book in a romantasy series and have been thinking about finally getting back to some nonfiction reading as part of my efforts to sort of snap out of my haze. are there any you're loving right now?
Re: tax filing... talk about some kinda karma. I’m doing this particular task because the accountant (whom I paid lots of money to!) the past few years to file in both the U.S. and Canada missed a specific form on the U.S. ones... so I had to pay another accountant lots of money to fix it (the alternative was letting it fill me with dread deep in the night, wondering whether it would ever come to light). Fingers crossed this is the LAST STEP... going back in today.
I’m reading that book on Thai ghosts and spirituality... and am about to start another on kathoeys (usually translated as "ladyboys") of Thailand. I love getting lost in romantasy before bed, but I’m finding nonfiction cuts through the thought loops and keeps me from climbing fully into laptop world during the day... sometimes.
Your openness is a balm, Erin. I am doing not-too-badly at the moment, BUT I did recently squander many a night re-watching all 18 glorious episodes of Freaks and Geeks. It had to be done.
Erin, this post delighted me--your openness, as always, your clear expression of what is going on and what you are feeling, and your offering to us to share with you.
I am on high alert for all the news of horror that the Admin & POTUS are imposing on us (and the world), am sick of his constant lying and HIS STUPIDITY! This is also the 101st birthday of my abuser, a bit of evidence of "only the good die young"--she haunts me still. And then there was the squamous cell cancer removal last week and the multi-site melanoma surgery set for Friday.
i've been on my 'olidays so am just coming back to this practice, but the best thing for me when i feel like i'm spiralling is bookending my days with time on paper. in the morning, morning pages and in the evening, collaging/writing and doing a little crossword. it's made me sleep a lot better and i feel less trapped in the hamster wheel of CONTENT CONTENT CONTENT
Love the dress and bummer you didn’t buy the gorgeous hat.
You are inside my head with this avoidance pattern that is not quite full on but almost and, yes, it’s triggered by the next smallish stressor that just seems to be too damn much.
I think this is a thing for us folks who are highly sensitive in a world that scrambles our brain and stretches our heart.
I love Substack synchronicity - I just finished an essay, to go out on Sunday, about pattern disruption and then I stumbled on you talking about it too. Thank you for giving us the exact steps you follow, it’s very helpful. As you were describing making that list of task I could feel myself relax.
and yes to pink hair!! esp w the sister sister hat!!
omg just THINK of the combooooo I gotta do it
Omg the sister sister hat 🥹🥹🥹 also, as ever, IMMENSELY relating and nodding and avoiding 🙃💕
me and you!! master avoiders <3
Erin, just this week, I have been asking ChatGPT to tell me new ways to help me stop using my phone all the time. And she has & it's helped (yes, it's a she & her name is Annie. I like her). What am I avoiding? Life. Parenting adult kids with mental health issues that become drug addictions is hard. Parenting neurodivergent kids is hard. Keeping my 25-year-old marriage while navigating perimenopause & an ASD tween going through puberty is NOT FUN AT ALL. You know what's fun until it's not? Numbing out by eating too many sugary snacks while watching F1 reels. That &playing block games on my phone has been my go-to avoiding/numbing strategy for months now, but this week I decided I was sick of myself, hence the chat with Annie.
Take care x
sounds like we got sick of ourselves around the same time <3 glad i'm in such good company. we got this! if you're open to it, i'd love to know which suggestions have been the most helpful in using your phone less.
My phone goes greyscale from 830pm to 630am, Monday to Friday morning, the same time I have do not disturb scheduled. This stops me from scrolling in bed.
From 7pm Friday night to 9am Monday, my phone is on greyscale all the time. The lack of colour really helps me find everything on my phone less appealing.
All my social apps now have plain grey icons, & if I click on them, I have a 60-second wait & then it asks "Do you really want to spend your time here" before I can open the app. I usually abandon my phone before the 60 seconds are up.
And I have a banner at the bottom of my phone where I have to swipe it up to unlock it that says "be where your feet are", just to remind me that my life isn't in my phone.
I am not trying to stop using my phone altogether, I'm just trying to be more intentional when I use it & to stop it from being my default any time I don't want to sit with myself.
whoaaa the 60-second wait time on the social apps and banner to unlock your phone both feel like game changers! thank you for sharing! gonna try these <3
i hope they help x
Urgh yes always numbing out. Also had pet health issues and unexpected bills which have turned into a spiral and a new found obsession with romantasy books. Easier said to others than to take the advice myself but...allow yourself some grace and don't beat yourself up about the avoidance. Sounds like there's a lot going on and it's a normal coping mechanism!
For me I need to - stop spending money I don't have and get my finances back on track next month, get back into a (gentler) exercise routine (burned out and iron deficient after some over training) and do some of the DIY projects I have on my list (there's just a load of timber lying in my living room for weeks because I need to pick up the courage to use my power tools and I just keep putting it off).
getting finances in order and getting back into regular, gentle exercise are on my list, too! I don't have a pile of timber in my living room but lemme tell you, sometimes it reeaaallly feels like I do. (if the timber was all the things i'm avoiding, you get it.) I hope your pet is alright now and you at least enjoyed your latest romantasy book binge! I am just finishing the Trial of the Sun Queen series, what are you reading??
I can't wait to see your pink hair!! And omg the sister, sister hat?! That show got me through so much 😭 I forgot about it till now.
AND I think I'm way behind the times because I just realised "and just like that" is a thing and binged the first season over the past week (if I'm being real real, the past few days).
In all seriousness, I feel you on the avoidance though. Life has been a lot lately and sometimes avoidance is the only thing I can do. Luckily my moving deadline is set for next week so I can't completely fall off the edge of the earth like I'd sometimes like to, but hey.
It was nice to see you at the workshop 🥹 thank you for joining, and for the shout-out here!
I did it, I colored my hair PINK! i'll include a photo in the next newsletter <3 also i'm so happy there's at least one other sister, sister fan in room. love that show. I can't believe I don't know this, but where are you moving?? I know you've mentioned chiang mai, but is that a stop along your way or the final (for now) destination? wishing you all the luck and ease in your move. they are brutal but that first morning you wake up in your new place... can't beat it.
also I could write a whole essay and make myself cry about how lovely and helpful your workshop this week was, but I am still slowly dusting off the cobwebs of my total brain-body-spirit shutdown and frankly don't have the energy for it BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW it was incredibly poignant, spot-on, spiritually supportive, and helped me make a big life shift I didn't know I needed. truly, I loved it. thank you.
YAY!! I can't wait to see 😍
I'm tempted to rewatch sister, sister since having this convo... I wonder if it's still just as good, maybe better?!
I'm going to give myself at least 6 months in Chiang Mai to see how it feels before seeing what could be next. I'll be about 25 mins outside of the city—quiet, and close enough to cool things. We shall see how it goes. I appreciate the well wishes!! I'm suuuuuper excited for that first morning 🥹 I'm gonna soak it up extra good since you said that.
Also, you're going to make me cry about how grateful I am to have you join the workshop and for your kind words about how supportive it was for you 😭😭😭 thank you for this. I'm so glad it was helpful in such a big way!!!
I feel you, Erin! I have a v important tax filing task that requires printing nearly 100 pages, writing "offshore filing" or something like that (I’m probably remembering it wrong) in a red pen on some of those pages, signing other pages in blue or black, and finding a DHL store or similar to mail from Thailand. It’s not that big a deal... but somehow has felt monumental all week. All the more so when my only remaining bank card that hadn’t been hacked yet was hacked yesterday... leading me down a rabbit hole of changing every online pw I’ve ever used and closing all kinds of online accounts for good. ANYWAY.
I bought a new, extra-fine Japanese pen and notebook at the Japanese department store at the mall and wrote out a daily chart, with things I wanted to do instead of spending time on Notes anytime I caught myself scrolling there (which generally leaves me feeling like shit). My handwritten chart includes three things: practicing Thai, reading nonfiction books, practicing yoga. So far, it’s working! I’m spending less time on Notes (and online generally) than I have in months. And, no surprise, I’m feeling happier and more present. Now for the tax task...
Cheering you on today. <3 <3 <3
that tax filing task makes my stomach hurt just reading about it (literally) and ANOTHER BANK CARD WAS HACKED?! jesus. that is exactly the kind of thing that would send me into a full blown avoidance-fueled shutdown. although I have to say, I love your chart idea, especially the part about buying an extra-fine Japanese pen. I use a muji to do my sudoku every night and it's *chef's kiss*. also! i'm about to finish the final book in a romantasy series and have been thinking about finally getting back to some nonfiction reading as part of my efforts to sort of snap out of my haze. are there any you're loving right now?
Re: tax filing... talk about some kinda karma. I’m doing this particular task because the accountant (whom I paid lots of money to!) the past few years to file in both the U.S. and Canada missed a specific form on the U.S. ones... so I had to pay another accountant lots of money to fix it (the alternative was letting it fill me with dread deep in the night, wondering whether it would ever come to light). Fingers crossed this is the LAST STEP... going back in today.
I’m reading that book on Thai ghosts and spirituality... and am about to start another on kathoeys (usually translated as "ladyboys") of Thailand. I love getting lost in romantasy before bed, but I’m finding nonfiction cuts through the thought loops and keeps me from climbing fully into laptop world during the day... sometimes.
Your openness is a balm, Erin. I am doing not-too-badly at the moment, BUT I did recently squander many a night re-watching all 18 glorious episodes of Freaks and Geeks. It had to be done.
it had to be done, BA, I completely agree. I love that show. and so happy to hear you're doing not-too-badly. hopefully i'm on my way there <3
I'm sure you are ❤️🔥
Erin, this post delighted me--your openness, as always, your clear expression of what is going on and what you are feeling, and your offering to us to share with you.
I am on high alert for all the news of horror that the Admin & POTUS are imposing on us (and the world), am sick of his constant lying and HIS STUPIDITY! This is also the 101st birthday of my abuser, a bit of evidence of "only the good die young"--she haunts me still. And then there was the squamous cell cancer removal last week and the multi-site melanoma surgery set for Friday.
Erin, I admire your willingness to write bravely about the messy aspects - as you know that’s hard for me so you are a great example!!!!
thank you maddie!
i've been on my 'olidays so am just coming back to this practice, but the best thing for me when i feel like i'm spiralling is bookending my days with time on paper. in the morning, morning pages and in the evening, collaging/writing and doing a little crossword. it's made me sleep a lot better and i feel less trapped in the hamster wheel of CONTENT CONTENT CONTENT
Love the dress and bummer you didn’t buy the gorgeous hat.
You are inside my head with this avoidance pattern that is not quite full on but almost and, yes, it’s triggered by the next smallish stressor that just seems to be too damn much.
I think this is a thing for us folks who are highly sensitive in a world that scrambles our brain and stretches our heart.
I love Substack synchronicity - I just finished an essay, to go out on Sunday, about pattern disruption and then I stumbled on you talking about it too. Thank you for giving us the exact steps you follow, it’s very helpful. As you were describing making that list of task I could feel myself relax.