I need these mantras, Erin! Something my partner said to me long ago really stuck: when he compliments me and I counter with something negative about myself (refusing to take the compliment), he feels as though he’s come to me vulnerably and sincerely, offering a gift, and I’ve rejected it. I really “get” this when I compliment certain family members, because we all do the same thing. I’m doing it less than before - sitting in the extreme discomfort - but it’s still a work in progress. And the second set of mantras, oof. Yes, yes, yes - need those most of all.
oof rejecting the gift, yes! it's so easy to do, and in many cultures seen as the polite thing to do, lest you be too full of yourself. but honestly just the reframe of viewing compliments or any type of loving attention as a gift has really helped me. the second set of mantras... those are the most difficult for me. I am extremely rejection sensitive, and sometimes when my boyfriend is busier than usual with work or friends or even self care, I take it personally. "he doesn't like hanging with me anymore, he doesn't care about me like he used to," etc etc. it's honestly embarrassing! but I think on some level we all understand that feeling.
Erin, love this. In the list of “calming” mantras, I’d probably add a deliberate PAUSE (“you don’t have to respond right away”). I.e. build in a pause before you react. I’m not naturally good at this and have to really work at it. ❤️
Debbie, I love the idea of the pause. I often feel uncomfortable receiving positive comments. As a result, I tend to step in and say something to mask my unease, which usually ends up being negative.
I’ve been asking myself lately “who or what am I making into my God?” so this part got me: “We all have a lot to accomplish in this life, and our lives can not and should not revolve around any one person.” … which led me to think about where I might be getting attention from nonhuman entities and energies, and why am I not accepting that attention or seeing it as a gift?
Thanks for posting this follow-up, Erin! These seem like they will be valuable and I'm going to try to internalize them. For the folks in your comments who struggle with receiving authentic praise: over the years I've replaced phrases like "you're too kind" with "thank you, that's so kind of you!" The meaning of that response has grown with me. At first it meant essentially the same thing as "you're too kind," without the sly bit of self-deprecation. Then it grew to mean that whether I felt the praise was deserved or not I am acknowledging that the person giving the praise means it, that they are kind for doing so, and that I appreciate it. Over the years I have grown to feel that if they're giving the praise I must deserve it--something about what I did or who I am impacted them positively, and I'm acknowledging that what they're doing in response impacts me positively.
I think it’s really beautiful that you found a way to accept authentic praise and even more beautiful than after accepting it long enough, it started to take hold 🖤
Years ago, when I worked as a peer counselor in a therapy group, we participated in positive bombardment sessions. We would sit in a circle, and every patient would receive a compliment from everyone in the room. Given that about fifteen people participated, the exercise would take at least an hour and involve lots of tears.
There were two requirements. The receiver had to acknowledge the compliment and offer thanks even if they didn't agree with the sentiments. And all compliments needed to be sincere. It was a life-changing exercise for many, myself included.
What I would take away from that to share here is this: Make it your rule to accept that even if you don't believe yourself worthy of any particular compliment, your job is to acknowledge it and give thanks to the kind soul offering their support, because chances are that person truly believes in what they are saying to you.
If you believe in its sincerity, each compliment will make its way to your soul even without your efforts or agreement that you are worthy. And one day in the not too distant future, you will find that you don't brusk quite the same when someone offers an endearment. From there, you travel to distant shores where you not only receive the compliment but actually agree with the sentiments being offered.
You smile inwardly, feeling peaceful, no longer needing the support because all you ever truly needed was... you.
This is so good. A real mirror in these two for me: "Loving attention is freely given, and I can receive it without guilt of not being enough or fear of being a burden. // The primary desire of anyone bestowing true loving attention upon me is for me to fully accept and receive it. I do not have to perform my thanks or immediately reciprocate." Don't be a burden! Perform! I'm wondering if you can host a substack zoom about the weird panic response of getting/ wanting attention on substack. I'm not even kidding. This feels like a very natural off-shoot/ container for your work. You're gonna make people grow, you gotta help us with the after-effects! ...Including how to deal with the lulls and vacillations.
Thank you for normalizing the emotional nuances that we all exeprience as humans. It's such an important realization and goes a long way to inviting compassion for others and ourselves in the midst of confusing emotional experiences 😊
I got a lot of attention last Tuesday night when I held the first of a two-night journaling workshop I created, and presented in person for the first time. First off I had to be extremely vulnerable in front of these people, explaining why journaling had been so important to my life for decades due to the dysfunction I grew up with. Then I led them through writing exercises that were intense for everyone.
But what I really wanted to mention was the attention I got at the end of the two hours, thanks to my good friend whose Indigenous retail/art/cultural space we were using for the workshop. She opened the evening with an Indigenous welcoming ceremony, and closed it with a ceremony in which each participant (there were 11 people) took turns holding a feather and saying what stood out for them in the workshop, and what they were grateful for. In this way I learned pretty much what everyone had thought and felt about the evening, and I got a lot of loving attention. NOT USED TO THAT. The whole evening was super intense, and that night I slept like the dead (which is not normal for me). Going to repeat it again next Tuesday 😅
I admire your writing Erin because it's clear, it's warm, it's straight to the heart and it's 100% *YOU* (I mean, I don't know you... I'm assuming it's YOU? That you're not just really good at imitating some other unique individual? If that's the case, well then you're really good at that, too).
Thank you for sharing! I suffer from the same condition of being allergic to someone else’s sincere kindness and attention. I hope the mantras will cure us ☺️
I need these mantras, Erin! Something my partner said to me long ago really stuck: when he compliments me and I counter with something negative about myself (refusing to take the compliment), he feels as though he’s come to me vulnerably and sincerely, offering a gift, and I’ve rejected it. I really “get” this when I compliment certain family members, because we all do the same thing. I’m doing it less than before - sitting in the extreme discomfort - but it’s still a work in progress. And the second set of mantras, oof. Yes, yes, yes - need those most of all.
oof rejecting the gift, yes! it's so easy to do, and in many cultures seen as the polite thing to do, lest you be too full of yourself. but honestly just the reframe of viewing compliments or any type of loving attention as a gift has really helped me. the second set of mantras... those are the most difficult for me. I am extremely rejection sensitive, and sometimes when my boyfriend is busier than usual with work or friends or even self care, I take it personally. "he doesn't like hanging with me anymore, he doesn't care about me like he used to," etc etc. it's honestly embarrassing! but I think on some level we all understand that feeling.
Erin, love this. In the list of “calming” mantras, I’d probably add a deliberate PAUSE (“you don’t have to respond right away”). I.e. build in a pause before you react. I’m not naturally good at this and have to really work at it. ❤️
Debbie, I love the idea of the pause. I often feel uncomfortable receiving positive comments. As a result, I tend to step in and say something to mask my unease, which usually ends up being negative.
oooo this is very relatable. I am in my first relationship rn and it has been a journey figuring this out!
I would love to hear more! which part of the attention seeking / attention receiving do you find the most sticky?
I’ve been asking myself lately “who or what am I making into my God?” so this part got me: “We all have a lot to accomplish in this life, and our lives can not and should not revolve around any one person.” … which led me to think about where I might be getting attention from nonhuman entities and energies, and why am I not accepting that attention or seeing it as a gift?
Thanks for posting this follow-up, Erin! These seem like they will be valuable and I'm going to try to internalize them. For the folks in your comments who struggle with receiving authentic praise: over the years I've replaced phrases like "you're too kind" with "thank you, that's so kind of you!" The meaning of that response has grown with me. At first it meant essentially the same thing as "you're too kind," without the sly bit of self-deprecation. Then it grew to mean that whether I felt the praise was deserved or not I am acknowledging that the person giving the praise means it, that they are kind for doing so, and that I appreciate it. Over the years I have grown to feel that if they're giving the praise I must deserve it--something about what I did or who I am impacted them positively, and I'm acknowledging that what they're doing in response impacts me positively.
I think it’s really beautiful that you found a way to accept authentic praise and even more beautiful than after accepting it long enough, it started to take hold 🖤
Years ago, when I worked as a peer counselor in a therapy group, we participated in positive bombardment sessions. We would sit in a circle, and every patient would receive a compliment from everyone in the room. Given that about fifteen people participated, the exercise would take at least an hour and involve lots of tears.
There were two requirements. The receiver had to acknowledge the compliment and offer thanks even if they didn't agree with the sentiments. And all compliments needed to be sincere. It was a life-changing exercise for many, myself included.
What I would take away from that to share here is this: Make it your rule to accept that even if you don't believe yourself worthy of any particular compliment, your job is to acknowledge it and give thanks to the kind soul offering their support, because chances are that person truly believes in what they are saying to you.
If you believe in its sincerity, each compliment will make its way to your soul even without your efforts or agreement that you are worthy. And one day in the not too distant future, you will find that you don't brusk quite the same when someone offers an endearment. From there, you travel to distant shores where you not only receive the compliment but actually agree with the sentiments being offered.
You smile inwardly, feeling peaceful, no longer needing the support because all you ever truly needed was... you.
This is so good. A real mirror in these two for me: "Loving attention is freely given, and I can receive it without guilt of not being enough or fear of being a burden. // The primary desire of anyone bestowing true loving attention upon me is for me to fully accept and receive it. I do not have to perform my thanks or immediately reciprocate." Don't be a burden! Perform! I'm wondering if you can host a substack zoom about the weird panic response of getting/ wanting attention on substack. I'm not even kidding. This feels like a very natural off-shoot/ container for your work. You're gonna make people grow, you gotta help us with the after-effects! ...Including how to deal with the lulls and vacillations.
this is a really cool idea. I will start putting some notes together and see if I have anything worthwhile to share!
Thank you for normalizing the emotional nuances that we all exeprience as humans. It's such an important realization and goes a long way to inviting compassion for others and ourselves in the midst of confusing emotional experiences 😊
I got a lot of attention last Tuesday night when I held the first of a two-night journaling workshop I created, and presented in person for the first time. First off I had to be extremely vulnerable in front of these people, explaining why journaling had been so important to my life for decades due to the dysfunction I grew up with. Then I led them through writing exercises that were intense for everyone.
But what I really wanted to mention was the attention I got at the end of the two hours, thanks to my good friend whose Indigenous retail/art/cultural space we were using for the workshop. She opened the evening with an Indigenous welcoming ceremony, and closed it with a ceremony in which each participant (there were 11 people) took turns holding a feather and saying what stood out for them in the workshop, and what they were grateful for. In this way I learned pretty much what everyone had thought and felt about the evening, and I got a lot of loving attention. NOT USED TO THAT. The whole evening was super intense, and that night I slept like the dead (which is not normal for me). Going to repeat it again next Tuesday 😅
I admire your writing Erin because it's clear, it's warm, it's straight to the heart and it's 100% *YOU* (I mean, I don't know you... I'm assuming it's YOU? That you're not just really good at imitating some other unique individual? If that's the case, well then you're really good at that, too).
I love this.
Thank you for sharing! I suffer from the same condition of being allergic to someone else’s sincere kindness and attention. I hope the mantras will cure us ☺️
I hope so too! I love snark and sarcasm but i'm trying to make a little room for more sincerity!
Gosh this is fantastic love to you x
thank you RG and right back to you. you have the same initials as my late grandma <3